The Reindeer Rejects

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Blah, Blah, Blah. We get it! We’ve all heard the song at this point. We all know about Vixen, Comet, Rudolph. But what about the other reindeer? The ones that didn’t quite make the cut yet still deserve some sort of recognition. These are the reindeer we will be discussing today. Because, for crying out loud, there are over 5 million reindeer on this planet and focusing all of our energy talking about 9 of them just Chrises my Kringle.

Skee Ball- Let me just check my list here… ooh! This, this is a good one, yeah. Ok, so, Skee Ball actually was a part of the Big 9 until he was replaced by Blitzen back in 1862. Without a job, Skee Ball wandered the globe for around, uh, 130 years or so, until he found himself working the skee ball booth at a carnival in Wisconsin. Over the next 2 years, Skee Ball would rake in over 50 grand by rigging his attraction, until he was eventually arrested in 1994. His current whereabouts are unknown.

…Huh. Maybe… maybe shouldn’t have started with that one. Okey-dokee then, moving on. This next reindeer is truly special. In a… in a good way, I hope. Let’s talk about Todd.

Now Todd…well, you’ll like Todd. He’s a cool guy. Todd was born in Toronto, Canada on January 20th, 1962. For his whole life, Todd dreamed of joining Santa’s elite reindeer force and bringing joy to all the children of the world. He trained 24/7- scaling houses, camping on roofs, eating those little popcorn kernels you used to sprinkle on your yard every Christmas Eve. Finally, once he believed himself sufficiently prepared, Todd began his trek toward the North Pole. The trip was perilous indeed, yet using the skills he had acquired throughout his years of training, Todd found himself on the doorstop of Santa’s workshop. Shaking with anticipation, he rang the doorbell. And well, the rest is history.

And by that, I mean he was denied entry. Probably because, you know, he wasn’t a reindeer. Wait, I didn’t mention that? Yeah, Todd Miller was an accountant at a firm in Northeast Toronto. After a North-bound shipping barge rescued his nearly frozen body and sent him back to Canada, Todd was pronounced clinically insane and sentenced to treatment. He currently resides at a mental ward in Vancouver where he allegedly spends his days in a reindeer suit eating popcorn and making deer noises.

Wh-what is wrong with this list!? Is everyone on here a criminal or psychopath? I’m trying to prove that all reindeer deserve equal treatment here, bu-but just look at these!

Rudalph- Arrested for impersonation of a distinguished figure.

Donut- Sentenced to 4 years in prison after breaking into 32 nationwide doughnut shops and snarfing their entire stock of doughnut holes.

Come on, there’s got to be at least one reindeer of decent value here… ooh! Spooks! Spooks sounds cool, let’s do Spooks.

Spooks is a reindeer ghost that terrorizes children all across Ameri- okay, never mind!

Guess I was wrong! Is that what you want, Claus? I. Was. Wrong. Your reindeer are obviously the best…don’t even know why I tried. So fine! I’m done. I-I’m done. Just gonna go back to writing about dirt piles again or something…