As you, the reader, may have noticed, Dover High School has garnered a beautiful new addition to its campus. After the loss of our school’s scenic floral landscape, some may feel as if the campus grounds lack most of its previous majesty. However, dear reader, I am here to assure that those pitiful trees have been replaced with something of far greater value. I am referring, of course, to none other than the Dirt Mound.
Measuring approximately twelve feet high, this spectacular slab of soil represents everything we love about life, from the trees and the bees to the lakes and seas. So basically what I am trying to say is that the Dirt Mound is a deity and should be treated as such. It has graced us with its presence, and what have we done in return? Mocked it. Shamed it. Treated it like a joke. But no more! No more shall this gift be ridiculed and rejected. No more shall we deface its presence with belittling banter. A new age is upon us, and to welcome it in, I propose we make a few changes.
First off, I suggest we begin referring to the Mound by its proper name: Sir Douglass Hemsworth, Ambassador of the Shadow Realm. Douggy for short. Next, we should demolish the current social hierarchy and create a council of supreme elitists; Douggy above them all, of course. Finally, we implement this really cool, original idea the Dougster came up with called a pyramid scheme…er, plan. Yeah. A pyramid plan. Don’t bother looking it up or anything, it was just invented. Basically we give all our power and finances to Sir Douglass, and he will use his, uh, “magic” to double it. He will then pass it on to the council which will repeat the process, and over time all of the money and free will we have blindly invested in our new supreme overlord will trickle down to us 10 fold! Trust me, nothing can go wrong, so you don’t even need to fact check it! Like, at all. Just carelessly give Douglass full control of the school budget, as well as, you know, your soul, and the rest will come naturally.
So there you have it. A three step plan towards a new era. A better era. An era where teacher and student, adult and teen, can live in harmony under the unblinking eye of our new ruler. So strike up the band! Prepare for the celebration! Let us not keep Douggy waiting any longer.