Ask Maddie is a satirical twist on advice columns that is made to make you relate and laugh at the same time. Some of these situations were sent in by students and some are inspired by my experiences and imagination. I hope to share a few laughs with you through these articles!

Dear Maddie,
My best friend has invited me over to her house for a Hanukkah celebration with her entire extended family. Of course, I have no problem with attending a Jewish holiday. The only problem is that I have no clue what Hanukkah actually is or what it celebrates. How can I prepare for this as someone who is not particularly religious or educated on the topic?
Sincerely, a future Hanukkah hero

Dear future Hanukkah hero,
Wanting to learn about your friend’s culture is great and shows how caring of a person you are. It is hard to show up to a holiday you have no knowledge on so let me help you out. As a disclaimer, I am indeed not Jewish, I just know everything. But as a solution to your problem, you must completely memorize the Torah. When I say memorize, I don’t just mean a few quotes. Word for word, sentence by sentence, all five books of Moses. I would also recommend learning Hebrew just for a good time. Have fun and eat some sufganiyah for me!
Sincerely, Maddie