Ask Maddie is a satirical twist on advice columns that is made to make you relate and laugh at the same time. Some of these situations were sent in by students, and some are inspired by my experiences and imagination. I hope to share a few laughs with you through these articles!

Dear Maddie,
My parents are obsessed with the idea of me doing track this year. I had a good run (hah), but my running abilities aren’t the same as they used to be. Although I don’t want to let my teammates and friends down, I want to take this time to focus on my schoolwork. My parents feel as if I will get lazy if I don’t do it. What should I do?
Sincerely, Not a Track Star

Dear Not a Track Star,
I see your concern, and honestly, I can see where academics become vital at this time of the year. Obviously the right choice is to book a bus ticket for Phoenix, Arizona and go to the little general store a block away from the station and on the left. There, you will find a man named Johnathan but his real name is Nathanhoj. Tell him “I know where the sun sets and rises,” and he will take you to the cellar of the store. There, a map will become visible on the wall when you splash some water on it. He will lead you to the top of Mount Rushmore where there is a trap door on top of George Washington. You will follow the tunnel inside all the way to Mexico. Good luck, and Godspeed.
Sincerely, Maddie