A Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving as a Vegan

A Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving as a Vegan

Maisie Dugger, Staff Writer

Side Note: Before you read this article, be aware of the extreme sarcasm that takes place, and be responsible if you decide to try any of my recommendations (meaning don’t try them).

As the warm and joyful seasons approach the chaotic end of the year, the thought of delicious stuffing, freshly cooked turkey, crescent rolls, and warm mashed potatoes is basically the only thing that will get me out of bed every morning. This got me wondering about the poor vegans of the world where every year they watch as everyone plans a large and inhuman feast filled with the exploitation of animal products and suffrage. As delicious as it is, one must wonder what the vegans do? Do they sacrifice their nonvegan relatives to the volcano sisters, or lock themselves away as the turkey is cooking so that they aren’t tempted, or do they simply call PETA for all their concerns? There are many reasons for one to go vegan, and some just can’t get themselves to partake like Hannah Graziani who was traumatized at a carcass show at just the ripe age of ten. This experience scared her into becoming vegan, or so she thought. She explained her experience with veganism by saying “Yeah, I was vegan for one day, and then realized vegans are crazy”.

Unless you were living under a rock, you would know that vegans seek to exclude the exploitation of cruelty to animals for food, clothing, or any other purposes. Why do they do this? Well, they believe that it is important to care for animals to such an extreme extent that they will promote any kind of animal-free alternative in their everyday lives. Leigh Arbogast shared her thoughts on the vegan practice saying “I see being vegan as becoming closer with nature and one’s self by seeing animals as equals in that we all feel things and are entitled to experience a happy life”. We live in such a vast and complex world that is filled with so many beliefs, and just because I would never partake in this practice doesn’t mean that those who do are any less than me. As a proud omnivore, I will never partake in a lifestyle that cuts out almost all of the best foods just for a healthy conscience, but I feel that those who do need a little credit.

With that in mind, there are several creative options for vegans to enjoy a Thanksgiving day without the evil habits of humans to exploit the innocent animal kingdom. Perhaps one of the most famous substitutes for turkey is tofurkey. This is basically the off-brand of the off-brand of turkey, and it’s not even turkey; it’s tofu. In the popular cult classic show “Gilmore Girls,” Lorelai was asked about the presence of tofurkey on her plate.  She replied with, “ Yeah and some extra napkins to slip the tofurkey into when no one is looking and then toss it away” (Season 3 Episode 9 The Gilmore Girls).  I have to agree.

Now, this next idea might be kinda out there, but hear me out! There are only so many options for a good vegan Thanksgiving, so I thought that a pasta sculpture of a turkey would be a great way to mix the traditional and the activist parts of the holiday. I don’t know how you would go about making this, but it would make for a great conversation piece at the dinner table. If you ever get bored, just look up pasta sculptures on google; you won’t be disappointed.

Now the main audience members for this article are insightful teenagers looking to expand their knowledge on a group of peoples’ habits for the holidays, right? So, we can infer that the majority of you tend to be well… just a little bit lazy. There are several options for a low-budget and minimum effort vegan Thanksgiving feast. You could use Ore Ida Tater Tots for the stuffing, Jell-O Cook & Serve Vanilla Pudding & Pie Filling for the mashed potatoes, Nature Valley Crunch Bars for the garnish on the turkey which is actually just Lay’s Potato Chips, and Cracker Jacks for the biscuits. Last, but not least, is a dessert where you could either have Fruit by the Foot, Airheads, or use Hersey’s Chocolate syrup to make chocolate milk, but since you can’t drink dairy products, it will have to be chocolate water.

A vegan Thanksgiving is definitely something that I do not want to experience, but for those of you who do not seem satisfied with the infinite options for vegan feasts, you could try sidewalk chalk as an appetizer,  tree bark as an entree (but make sure the removal does not interfere with an animals comfort), dirt or clay whichever one you are feeling as a side dish, and Elmer’s Glue for the dessert. All of these things are absolutely delicious, and I recommend them to be eaten even as a simple snack after school. After looking at the options for Thanksgiving, I feel secure knowing that no matter where, when, or who you are in these desperate times, it is possible to find a substitute for just about anything.