Impending Cicada Apocalypse


Laura Gilchrist

Gross Cicada

As most of us already know, the Brood X cicadas are coming back this year. Lucky for all of the readers out there, I know exactly how you can make the two weeks of absolute suffering a little bit better. I have come up with a list of advice you can use to defend yourself in the upcoming apocalypse. Back when she was in seventh grade, Lauren Jirles had to say something about the cicadas that had come out that year in her letter to her older self. “This is the year of the seventeen-year cicadas. I hate them. We went to Memaw and Pappy’s house and I saw some and I was literally crying.” Today, this is what she has to say: “I still hate them. I hope they all die.”
When adventuring outside, your biggest problem will be the nasty little bugs flying at you. They can hide in the layers of your clothes and even your hair. Hair is not only a problem for girls but for boys too. When cicadas get caught in your hair, you often don’t notice until it’s too late. My brother had the unfortunate experience of reaching up to touch his hair, only for him to smash a cicada in it. To combat this, I suggest wearing a hat, that way the cicadas do not get caught in your hair. There is also the added perk of looking very stylish. Do not wear many layers of clothing over the two weeks. Cicadas can and will get stuck in the extra folds and layers.
Another good way to avoid the bugs is to stay out of vegetative areas like the park or the woods. Pools on the other hand are either a hit or miss. Yes, the water will keep away some cicadas, but not all. Quite a few dumb or old ones will decide your pool will be a good place to take a nap and decide to take a dive into the water, often resulting in their death. Water cicadas are an unwelcome surprise you never want to see. With your guard down and relaxing in the water, you’ll most likely end up running into quite a few of these dead suckers. Thankfully, there aren’t too many, and they can easily be removed with a cup or scoop of sorts.
The second problem with cicadas is how noisy they are. The sound gets annoying very quickly, and you won’t be able to get rid of it for two weeks. Of course, you can’t just tune the whole world out with headphones or earbuds, but when it comes to your sleep, I suggest those of you with thin windows play soft rain or piano in the background. As for the rest of the day, you can play music that isn’t too loud to combat the cicada’s buzzing. You don’t want to get in trouble for ignoring your parents, now do you?
For those of you who have gardens, you have nothing to fear. Cicadas typically do not go after most garden plants. However, for those of you with young trees, bushes, and other shrubbery, I suggest getting netting. Female cicadas tend to lay their eggs in branches about one-half inch in diameter. The hole sizes in your netting should be around one centimeter small. Please avoid “Bird Nesting” nets, seeing their holes are too big to keep the cicadas out.
“That is all fine and dandy, but what is the best way to kill these things?” I hear you saying. If you have any pets or dogs who may want to feast on the cicadas, I would not stop them. Other than that, I don’t condone violence. It’s best to just leave them be if they are not bothering you. And that’s a big ‘if.’
And this concludes my list of advice to help you survive the impending cicada apocalypse. Oh, and one more thing. I’d avoid taking naps in the sunlight outside until they are all gone. Best of wishes on survival.